You know who you are. The people who made an appointment to view our house on Monday, cancelled and rescheduled for today, then didn't turn up. You made me waste 4 hours of my life cleaning the house and I hope your nostril hair goes grey.
Anyway, 'tis a bargain. And to save you fasking all those FAQ when you view it, here are the answers, like, already.
- Why are you moving?
Because the house is so small that even my 2 year old has started banging her elbows on jutting out furniture. See questions 2, 3, 4 and 5.
2. What are the neighbours like?
The people next door are great. They did non-stop DIY until midnight for two years despite the baby's howls of protest, so I'm sure they're finished now. Sometimes when their dog craps on our lawn, they clean it up without yelling at us. Oh, and if you like cars with bricks where the wheels should be, there's usually three on their drive.
The family opposite have some really good screaming rows. They park their 32 cars at strange angles and in random places, then wallop you with a bill for £500 when you scrape a flake of paint off the door. Their cats like to rip the throats out of songbirds and leave the remains for the kids to find, then puke up the rest on the doorstep.
And if you like parties, just wait until summer - that's when the guys out the back really come to life!
3. Does the noise from the 40mph road 2" from your house bother you?
Noise? That's nothing! The fumes, on the other hand......
4. Have you got double glazing?
Yeah! It's a radical new system whereby I painted all the window frames to disguise the mould and now they won't open at all. It really keeps the heat in.
5. Why is this house so hideously overpriced?
The estate agent reckons the gardens are above average size. What he failed to notice is that the soil is actually heavy clay and anyone attempting to dig it will need to spend £3000 on a plastic hip joint.
SO come on, what are you waiting for? Subsidence?
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