Irish badger culling 'is futile'

But OH MY GOD it's fun!

Somebody

Give me a kick up the arse.

In a nice way.

Crew Members Wanted

Who needs Legoland?

There's a new £62m tourist attraction being built in Kent. (sips brandy)

DICKENS WORLD.

(swigs brandy, weeps, tightens pyjama cord around neck)

Yep, according to the BBC (and I checked the date - it's April the 16TH not the 1ST) some enlightened souls are busily constructing this sub-literary abomination in a warehouse next to the Odeon muliplex in Gillingham, which features the 'Magwitch's Escape' boat ride, 'Scrooge's Haunted House', The Goblins Who Stole a Sexton And Took Him On The Rollercoaster and the Child Labour In a Blacking Factory Experience.

I only made up the last one. Maybe.

"The overall effect is rather like Disney painted brown and plunged into twilight." says someone at the BBC. Crew members will be required to master the following phrases:

"It's a threatening, socio-economically divided, sinister world after all"

"Cor blimey guv'nor is that an eel in yer pocket?"

"SOME MORE? Do you want to go supersize for 30p?"

Gahhhhhh....

"Dickens would have loved it," coos another vox-pop, "he was the master showman!"

No love, that was Phineas T. Barnum.

It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to, than I have ever known.........

Nobody Likes Me

Everybody hates me
I'm going down the garden to scrape the pigeon shit off the swings

Yes, it's that time of year again..........

A Conversation With My Daughter

Me: I love you.

Puggle: I love pudding.

Me: Do you love me?

Puggle: I love fruit corners!

Reasons To Be Cheerless

1. We had the most grim fish ever for tea. It was yuck. Foul. Bleargh.
2. The house two doors down from us is for sale. It has a garage, two toilets and more space than a matchbox. It is £2 more than our shitpit.
3. Clicked on BBC news - transpires that taking vitamins can shorten your life.
4. I am supposed to be saving that bottle of wine until Friday.

I Have Become What Most I Feared

OK, so I haven't morphed into George W Bush, but it's almost as bad.
I've joined the PTA.
They call it Friends of Lakeside, which sounds more innocuous.
But I can't lie.
To coin a phrase, sometimes I give myself the creeps.....

World Book Day

Both Pooky and Puggle have to dress up as their favourite fictional character on March 1st. We think Puggle is going to go as Harry (and his bucketful of dinosaurs), thus carrying on the fine family tradition of cross dressing. Pooky's school have issued a letter forbidding Harry Potter costumes, so I might have to have a think.....in the meantime, get a load of this.

http://www.buycostumes.com/ProductDetail.aspx?ProductID=21907&AFC-cju&link=content&AID=10436132&PID=391849

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! It's like a tiny little straitjacket for toddlers, only more humiliating. I want one.

Wednesday Is The New Friday

Well that's another 'week' at work over and done with.

Time flies.

Soon I'll be drawing my pension. Except I won't because I decided that instead of paying into a pension scheme, I'd just spend all my money on the holy trinity of beer, books and broadband. Then when I reached 60, I'd just write a bestselling novel, sell the film rights for $400m and live happily ever after.

Well it's less risky than some pension schemes.

We seem to have spent much of today (the part that wasn't spent lifting 300 boxes of dubious corporate cycle clothing into the cellars) fantasising about hanging colleagues or councillors from the meat hooks in the basement of our office building. It used to be a row of Georgian houses inhabited by the super rich, and has many amusing 'period' features such as toilets made out of wood and an overpowering smell of death. Naturally, the building is being flogged off soon to be turned into appartments, like every other building in York.
I hope they keep the meathooks.....

A lesson in ergonomics

Some people came round to view our house today.
They didn't stay long.
Apparently the woman was a size or two larger than a scarecrow and had trouble squeezing past all the furniture and out the back door.

oops.

Anyone want to buy a house?

Except you.

You know who you are. The people who made an appointment to view our house on Monday, cancelled and rescheduled for today, then didn't turn up. You made me waste 4 hours of my life cleaning the house and I hope your nostril hair goes grey.

Anyway, 'tis a bargain. And to save you fasking all those FAQ when you view it, here are the answers, like, already.

1. Why are you moving?

Because the house is so small that even my 2 year old has started banging her elbows on jutting out furniture. See questions 2, 3, 4 and 5.

2. What are the neighbours like?

The people next door are great. They did non-stop DIY until midnight for two years despite the baby's howls of protest, so I'm sure they're finished now. Sometimes when their dog craps on our lawn, they clean it up without yelling at us. Oh, and if you like cars with bricks where the wheels should be, there's usually three on their drive.

The family opposite have some really good screaming rows. They park their 32 cars at strange angles and in random places, then wallop you with a bill for £500 when you scrape a flake of paint off the door. Their cats like to rip the throats out of songbirds and leave the remains for the kids to find, then puke up the rest on the doorstep.

And if you like parties, just wait until summer - that's when the guys out the back really come to life!

3. Does the noise from the 40mph road 2" from your house bother you?

Noise? That's nothing! The fumes, on the other hand......

4. Have you got double glazing?

Yeah! It's a radical new system whereby I painted all the window frames to disguise the mould and now they won't open at all. It really keeps the heat in.

5. Why is this house so hideously overpriced?

The estate agent reckons the gardens are above average size. What he failed to notice is that the soil is actually heavy clay and anyone attempting to dig it will need to spend £3000 on a plastic hip joint.

SO come on, what are you waiting for? Subsidence?

Long Time No Blog

Hey up, Husband, Spammers and Chinese Porn Magnates (Hmm....you'd all better not be the same person) In short, fans of my blog, and welcome back.
I've been away for a while. Hiding under the duvet with a pot of lapsang souchong and John Irving's latest telephone directory. So what's new? OOH, lots. Since I last blogged, I have......

1. Acquired a kimono, two new kokeshi dolls and much chocolate
2. Made a sinister bunny toy out of an old glove.
3. Put my lovely house up for sale. BUY IT. It's lovely. I would put up a link to rightmove but I can't be sodding arsed.
4. Fantasized some more about giving up my delightfulBLOODYAWFULgreat and worthwhilePOINTLESSKAFKAESQUENIGHTMAREjolly job and teaching small fragrant infants how to yodel or whatever it is this week
5. Cycled 180 miles at a rough calculation.
6. Finished a first draft of my novel

AND the Jehovah's Witnesses have not been back.